Note: I wrote this for the Tee-mab book (still available for purchase!) well over a year ago. Not many people have gotten to read it, but I really like it and consider it amongst my best material, so I’m recopying it here for everyone to devour. Yum yum yum. In most parts of the world, [...]

So here’s what I figure. I’ve already ruined my parody breastfeeding post by having to explain why the fucking thing is funny. Why not go all the way and explain the jokes bit by bit? Really destroy it, you know? Here is the entire post all over again, with my explanations: INVESTIGATIVE REPORT — Could [...]

Yo! Dude! Check this out! Call my cell! Come on, just do it, it’ll only take a second. Please? Come on. Yeah! You’re gonna love this. There you go. Nope nope, right there. Up one. There. No no, that’s my work number. There you go. Eh? Eh? Oh come on! It’s YYZ! You know, that [...]

Across the street, a Wi-Fi makes a Gigabyte of Torrents. Next door, your neighbor’s Broadband has a Trojan Virus. Even in your own home, your daughter’s MySpace could be infected with Child Pedophiles. But did you know that the Bluetooth that you wear on your ear could be teeming with Identity Theft, threatening to expose [...]

There’s a new sexual epidemic sweeping America and possibly the world, and it has conservatives and religious officials up in arms. They’re calling it breastfeeding. All across the nation, mothers of infants and toddlers are participating in what they claim to be an ancient practice, placing their nipples in the mouths of their children for [...]

“Help me sell my CDs and shirts,” he beseeched the world. “Please, or there will be no hope for the children!” I could sense the air of desperation in his plea. My duty, my very purpose in life, was clear: I would man Jonathan Coulton’s merchandise table, and the cosmos would be at peace. With [...]

I have created the greatest party game of all time. Years upon months of painstakeous dedicamotion and imagimechaniceering have gone into the development of what will undoubtedly become the primary pastime of freedom-nonhating liberty huggers around the world. Ladies, gentlemen, and taxable aliens, I present to you: Pants or Shot, a game for two or [...]

One of the most devastating moments in a man’s life is when a hot chick catches him picking his nose. My cubemate’s fish takes hours to poop. Shortly after being fed in the morning, a tubular formation will gradually grow out from just in front of its ventral fin, trailing it for most of the [...]